These are the simple steps you’ll want to follow if you want to hold a company ransom through their own technology!
1/ Indentify a Host Company and acquire a position as either the only Developer in the company OR find a position where you are the only Developer on a project and the company oversight doesn’t understand technology and can be easily bamboozled.
2/ Develop a system that is so fiendishly complicated that only you can support it.
3/ Position yourself as the guardian of your host company’s technical future and demonstrate your indispensability by sabotaging the recruitment process of new developers and undermine any attempts from colleagues to actually understand how your program works.
4/ Extract your financial price from your Host Company! This could be a “job for life” or an outrageous day rate. And remember! you have them by the balls, SQUEEZE!
Tips for Success:
- Try writing the program in one language but only write it using the conventions of another, older more low level language
- Choose a completely outdated or obscure programming language and software suite (explaining that its the best solution for the Host Company’s needs)
- Over-engineer the architecture of the core business functionality into such an illogical set-up, that even if they do hire new people, no-one will want touch to it. They can easily build new services on top, but touching the core functionality will be too “dangerous”
- Hold your nerve!
That’s right, it’s the name on everybody’s lips right now “Maciej”. But how should it be pronounced?? I’ve spent the last few years oscillating between either “Mat-edge” or “Ma-see-edge”, however I went out for beers the other night with a charming holder of this stalwart of Slavic names, “Maceij” and I was delighted when he put me right once and for all.
MATCH – EY
So hopefully, with a bit of practice I’ll never get it wrong again 🙂
CV Driven Development (CDD) is a software development process which prioritises design and development choices that will enhance the implementing programmer’s Curriculum Vitae over other potential solutions, regardless of how rational that choice is.
The origins of CDD are lost in time but it is widely believed to be a common practice throughout the commercial programming world, dating back to the very earliest days of professional software development.
CDD is most commonly pursued as an informal, grass-roots lead practice, however there have been a number of well documented episodes when in times of economic or “bonus-hardship”, CDD has been management lead as part of a wider “staff retention” initiative.
See also: Mortgage Driven Development
If Simon Cowell followed CV Driven Development
For all those who’ve asked themselves over the last year, “where is Leila Devito these days?”, here is the answer:
(watch out for her name check at 4.07)
Following on from my previous blog about Programmer Anarchy, I was doing some more research into post-Agile concepts and came across a new methodology called “Programming, Motherfucker” by Zed A. Shaw. Here is a link to his site.
Zed’s methodology is a new way of programming which focuses on pure coding as the main form of development, and rejects the utility of most management roles in the same way that “Programmer Anarchy” does, but does include space in the team for Management, Asshole (which I had also concluded was the primary weakness of Programmer Anarchy).
The “Programming, Motherfucker” philosophy solves problems, tests its code and completes tasks on time and under budget all using the same methodology: “Programming, Motherfucker”. At the same time “Management, Asshole” takes responsibility for tasks like finding out what client wants by asking them, providing the programmers with the right tools to code and then feeding back to the development team when the client is happy or not with the product.
In the words of Zed:
It’s awesome because it does the one thing that actually gets software up and running.
Makes sense to me. If you think so too, or want to learn more about implementing this post-agile methodology in your office, visit Zed’s site (and maybe even buy a t-shirt).
During last night’s Diwali party I was introduced to the concept of the Item Girl and Malaika Arora:
For the un-initiated an “Item Girl” is a hot girl who comes on screeen during a slow part of a Bollywood film to wake the boys up – undoubtedly dragged there by their wives, girlfriends, mistresses etc. From what I can tell the Item Girl has nothing to do with the storyline what-so-ever, she is simply there because she is hot and can wiggle. A fantastic concept I think should be introduced to the western movie genre asap. He is another picture of Malaika in situ:
To see Malaika in her full glory click here.
Otherwise I think its fair to say that my Diwali experience last night was not exactly traditional – we only had 2 Dias – however we did have a very good time. We had some singing (starting with “Bipasha Basu” and then we had “Amay Rakhte Jodi” and “Tumi Kobe Ashibe” by Atul Prashad Sen) and then things went Bollywood-crazy. All in all quite a night! Thank you.
This yellow Lamborghini Aventador was sitting outside the Met Police station this morning. They have been displaying all the cars they are impounding for the past year and I think this is the nicest one so far: