These are the simple steps you’ll want to follow if you want to hold a company ransom through their own technology!
1/ Indentify a Host Company and acquire a position as either the only Developer in the company OR find a position where you are the only Developer on a project and the company oversight doesn’t understand technology and can be easily bamboozled.
2/ Develop a system that is so fiendishly complicated that only you can support it.
3/ Position yourself as the guardian of your host company’s technical future and demonstrate your indispensability by sabotaging the recruitment process of new developers and undermine any attempts from colleagues to actually understand how your program works.
4/ Extract your financial price from your Host Company! This could be a “job for life” or an outrageous day rate. And remember! you have them by the balls, SQUEEZE!
Tips for Success:
- Try writing the program in one language but only write it using the conventions of another, older more low level language
- Choose a completely outdated or obscure programming language and software suite (explaining that its the best solution for the Host Company’s needs)
- Over-engineer the architecture of the core business functionality into such an illogical set-up, that even if they do hire new people, no-one will want touch to it. They can easily build new services on top, but touching the core functionality will be too “dangerous”
- Hold your nerve!
That’s right, it’s the name on everybody’s lips right now “Maciej”. But how should it be pronounced?? I’ve spent the last few years oscillating between either “Mat-edge” or “Ma-see-edge”, however I went out for beers the other night with a charming holder of this stalwart of Slavic names, “Maceij” and I was delighted when he put me right once and for all.
MATCH – EY
So hopefully, with a bit of practice I’ll never get it wrong again 🙂
people buy people (spoken)
the concept that when someone is in charge of hiring, whatever the qualifications of the candidates, one of the main factors in making a decision is going to be personality. People hire people they know they can work with.
Gavin: My client has asked if she should start the interview process with a telephone round or onsite interview – what do you think? Sandy: Onsite, afterall “People Buy People”
Etymology: hiring = buying
See also: a good lad, personality counts
a candidate who is such a good fit for a client that he/she is will open doors for your recruitment business, win you clients and progress to offer stage quickly and easily.
Gavin: How are you doing with that tough role you’ve got? Sandy: Don’t sweat it no more, I got a bullet
Etymology: Golden Bullet, one shot kill
See also: Golden Bullet, legend, walking invoice
time kills deals (spoken)
the concept that any delay to the recruitment process will reduce the likelihood of that candidate becoming a placement.
Sandy: Whatever happened to that guy you had at second interview a couple of weeks ago? I thought he was really keen? Gavin: Only got positive feedback after he’d accepted another offer. Sandy: Time kills deals.
See also: maintaining a sense of urgency
the moon on a stick (spoken)
impossible to get Gavin: “Back from your client meeting? What is he looking for this time?” Sandy: “The moon on a stick”
Etymology: based on the notion that that somethings just don’t exist
See also: rare, uncommon, hopeless, naive