Category Archives: Speak like a recruiter

These are the simple steps you’ll want to follow if you want to hold a company ransom through their own technology!

1/ Indentify a Host Company and acquire a position as either the only Developer in the company OR find a position where you are the only Developer on a project and the company oversight doesn’t understand technology and can be easily bamboozled.

2/ Develop a system that is so fiendishly complicated that only you can support it.

3/ Position yourself as the guardian of your host company’s technical future and demonstrate your indispensability by sabotaging the recruitment process of new developers and undermine any attempts from colleagues to actually understand how your program works.

4/ Extract your financial price from your Host Company! This could be a “job for life” or an outrageous day rate. And remember! you have them by the balls, SQUEEZE!

Tips for Success:

• Try writing the program in one language but only write it using the conventions of another, older more low level language
• Choose a completely outdated or obscure programming language and software suite (explaining that its the best solution for the Host Company’s needs)
• Over-engineer the architecture of the core business functionality into such an illogical set-up, that even if they do hire new people, no-one will want touch to it. They can easily build new services on top, but touching the core functionality will be too “dangerous”
• Hold your nerve!

That’s right, it’s the name on everybody’s lips right now “Maciej”. But how should it be pronounced?? I’ve spent the last few years oscillating between either “Mat-edge” or “Ma-see-edge”, however I went out for beers the other night with a charming holder of this stalwart of Slavic names, “Maceij” and I was delighted when he put me right once and for all.

MATCH – EY

So hopefully, with a bit of practice I’ll never get it wrong again 🙂